Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
