god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
this is an emotional support booty call
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
