I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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