I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm both gender and math confused
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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