Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
