the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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