we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
