Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
