No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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