It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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