I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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