I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
