went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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