Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I FOUND THE LEGS
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
where are my eyebrows?
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