The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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