I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
