just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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