I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
