i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
