I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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