Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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