I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
They are going to name an STD after you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
