everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
she pinky promised me she was 18
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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