I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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