There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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