Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
