The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
