The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
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your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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