life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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