if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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