I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
He kissed a someone with a penis
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
