I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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