I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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