When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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