When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
