She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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