took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
