I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
