drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize