im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
