i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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