nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I showed him my bush... on skype.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
