He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
