sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
