I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Randomize
