Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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