the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
