i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Randomize
