Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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