The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
