wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
