Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
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Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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