my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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