I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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