She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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