when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
