I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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