I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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